RAVE - ROFL

Apologies to those who already saw some of these jokes from a link I posted on Facebook, and at the same time thanks to my favorite chuckler Peter Weston for sending them to me.

• This truck full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analog?' I said 'No, just a watch.'
• My friend is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
• I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera'
• I met the guy who invented crosswords today.. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
• The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a can opener. I said, 'You don't need a can opener to peel a banana.' The monkey replied, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theater. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I fancied a game of darts with my friend. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
• I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me CEO and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on TV but I'm no Dean Martin
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the local DVD store and said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' The assistant said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
• A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
• So I went to the doctor and he said "you've got hypochondria". I said "not that as well!"
• The police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• I met this guy with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought 'That's Aboriginal'.
• A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi".
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife the other night, and she said to me "How many potatoes would you like Philip?". I said "ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite". "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow!
• I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat, ginger kid.
• I spent the other afternoon re-arranging furniture in Dracula's house. I was doing a bit of Fang Shui.
• A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it eventually happened, he was chuffed to bits.
• I never sleep with fish. I'm halibut.
• I went into a pet shop and said "I'd like to buy a goldfish". The assistant asked "do you want an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what sign it is"
• Andrew Lloyd Webber went into Burger King and said "I'll have two whoppers". The assistant said "OK, you're handsome and you write great musicals"