RANT - Cortez (and eating out generally, on Feb 14th)

I know Cortez is now closed (deservedly so), but read to the end and you'll see why I retrieved this from my Yelp post a year ago, while you're wondering where to book for this coming Valentine meal.
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Arguably, Valentine's night is the worst time to have a special meal: restaurants try to serve more meals in more sittings, at inflated-just-for-tonight prices, with "special" menus. And to cap all that, because it's their busiest night of the year, they draft in extra bodies who can't possibly be up to the standard of the regular staff.

Why do I bother? After previous Valentine's dinner debacles at Shanghai 1930, Geisha House (in LA) and other alleged "romantic" eateries, we ate Feb 14, 2009 at Cortez.

Now, wasn't Cortez (Hernan Cortes) the murdering invader who brought disease and oppression to 16th Century Mexico? And didn't his most famous victim, Aztec King Monteczuma spawn the euphemism "Monteczuma's Revenge" for an unpleasant stomach disorder?

I digress. The "special" dinner last night was a $350 melange of unprofessional service and poorly-executed food. It started badly, with us being kept waiting 20 minutes before we were shown to our reserved table, and went downhill from there.

The Chef's Canapes were untidy and unpleasant; Jerusalem Artichoke and Lavender Soup was reminiscent of an elderly Victorian lady's handkerchief, the Scallop and Uni caused Monteczuma to stir, the Beet salad tasted like a shovel-full of earth, the Kurobuta Pork Belly with pickled red onion marmalade clashed with everything we'd already tasted, and so on.

The wine "pairing" was a joke, seeing as not one of the 5 wines arrived with its advertised companion. When we were served our Muscat (which was supposed to be with the scallop) along with our Beet, we complained and got marginally better attention, but that just meant glasses were piling up around us. I know I'm comparing this tasting menu and wine pairing with the much-missed Elisabeth Daniel and the still-here-still-great Farallon and Coi, but the chef and staff at Cortez have to be prepared for such scrutiny.

We left before dessert, but after paying about 3 times what the meal was worth.  

My wife has told me to send her this review so that next year, just before Valentines night, she can play it back to me and convince me that we'd be better off dining at home that night rather than put up with sub-standard food, shabby service and a slapped-together, overpriced experience at one of San Francisco's most overrated restaurants.