Sunday, May 16, 2010

RANT - The Human Centipede

Cackling its way into that memorable barking mad sci-fi horror genre already occupied by The Fly, Dead Ringers, and A Zed And Two Noughts, this film employs a bunch of "actors" you've never heard of before and hopefully will never see again getting roles that, if given a second chance, they'd probably drop in favor of starring in a snuff movie, working for a Dutch director who's clearly spent too many nights in the Bulldog in Amsterdam.

Two American girls on holiday in Germany leave their broken down car in the wood (of course they do), stumble through said woods in the dark to a remote house (of course it is), only to be taken captive by an aging Nazi surgeon (who else?) who fantasizes about making a human centipede by connecting 3 adults by their gastric tracts (choke, of course he would).

Being stitched to the butt of the person in front spares us from anything more than muffled screams from the ladies, while the first portion of the centipede is played by a Chinese captive, so there's not much meaningful dialog from that end either.

And wouldn't you know it, this is the "First Section", so the film closes in suspension, with the audience barely caring what happens next.

To describe this as "utter drivel" would be doing a dis-service to Gerard Butler's entire catalog

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