Monday, December 6, 2010

RANT - Valhalla Rising

Lean times at the Page Movie Theater.

Those of you who believe that dialog is a much over-used device in story-telling might love this, but it was desperately light on explanation.

It starts out with "One Eye" (he only has one eye, you see) being held by what turn out to be Christian Vikings (didn't know they existed) in a wooden cage for a period (we don't know how long), and being hauled out every now and then to fight other hard nuts (we don't know who they are, or why they're being matched against One Eye).

One day, his captors decide to march him somewhere else (again, we don't know why), and he manages to overpower them (i.e. slay them mercilessly) and escape.

He bumps into a group of bloodthirsty "Christian" vikings, who look the same as the group he just escaped from, and speak in the same Viking, er, Scottish accents. Apparently, they're on a quest to the Holy Land, so he hops in their boat and the next thing you know they're adrift in fog. After we don't know how long, they realize they're on fresh water, and wonder if they've arrived at the Holy Land.

Now, any fool could tell by the rain, bracken and fir trees that they're still in bloody Scotland, or at least at a Scottish latitude, but this group nevertheless presses ahead to build their New Jerusalem.

To cut a dull story short, they've actually drifted to North America (as you do), and all end up dying at the hands of native Americans.

Not sure why anyone thought this was a film worth making, but at least I can save you from watching it.

No comments: