RAVE - Cricket commentary on BBC's web site

Living in America means never, ever getting to see cricket on TV. There must be other negatives about being esconced in California, but that one's right up there near the top of the list.

This means I "watch" cricket via the text commentary on The BBC's web site.

Now, cricket is a deep game, too deep for Americans to bother with it. They don't mind that it's impenetrable, and English people don't really mind that not everyone understands the rules or the point of the game.

Today is the first day of the first test between South Africa and England. Just a few snippets from the text commentary wonderfully illustrates the impenetrability, the beauty and the pointlessness of it all ...

1522: Eng 58-1

Harris, tips of his shaggy hair bleached like those of a minor character in Neighbours, twirls in vain as Strauss dabs defensively. On the grass bank, a girl in a strapless bikini is angrily lecturing a staggering man slopping beer over the rim of his glass. There but for the grace of God.

1526: Eng 58-1

Morkel, languidly strolling back to his mark with his spaghetti arms flopping loosely by his sides. Trott waves the first few past dismissively and then dinks a leg-stump yorker down to deep fine leg for a strike-pincher of a single.

1530: Eng 66-1

In a tremendously post-modern move, Kallis appears to be picking a callous on his palm. Expect Morkel to don a snorkel shortly before Ntini sips a Martini and Prince complains about the design of the new pavilion. Mis-hit slog from Strauss as Harris drags one down with the arm, the ball skimming just past the long reach of mid-on.

1534: Eng 66-1

Tighter from Morkel, getting some lift from that Ambroseque action of his. Strauss catches one on the back peg, but he'd backed away and there's no sniff of an ell bee.

Explaining the nuances of the commentary would take longer than the game itself. The only real answer for an American is to be reincarnated as an English schoolboy and grow up listening to this stuff. Marvelous.