RANT - Pretentious wine ordering "tips" from GQ

This collection of windbag "tips" from GQ wine columnist, Alan Richman, is so patchy one wonders how reliable is the rest of his writing.

The "15 Tips for ordering wine in a restaurant" are available here, but I also include them in order to save you time, and add my "total amateur" opinion (in italics).

1. The sommerlier pours. You sip. You hesitate. Good move. Never say yes to a wine until you're sure it's sound. Try it a second time. A third, minutes later, if you still have doubts. Like sex on a first date, you'll regret it if you're not sure.

It's sommelier, not sommerlier, so Mr. Richman doesn't proof read that well.

Second, you don't taste the wine in order to check if you like it; you check to see if it's fresh (i.e. not tainted, or 'corked'), and if it's at your required temperature. It's the same with the meal: how churlish would it be to order your food, taste it to see if you actually like it, then return it if you no longer fancy it. Probably as churlish as our tipster.

Third, what a complete ass you'd be if you made the sommelier hang around for "minutes" while you fart around and decide if you like the wine or not.

2. So much should not be asked of a waiter: Stock market tips. Medical advice. What wine to drink with your meal.

If you're not on a Richman-esque expense account, chances are you regularly eat at restaurants that don't have a formal sommelier, so asking your waiter whether s/he knows the wines well enough to make recommendations is the logical move.

3. With most wine-by-the-glass programs, restaurants try to recoup the price they paid for the bottle on the first glass they sell. Try to order a half-bottle instead. The virtue of ordering wine by the glass is that the restaurant should allow you a complimentary taste.

Riiiight, why not cut down your choices to the two wines they have by the half-bottle?

4. Here's what you do with a cork when it's presented to you: Nothing. No sniffing, please. If it has printing on it and the bottle is expensive, check to see that the information on the cork coincides with what's on the label. If not, you might have a counterfeit.

In some restaurants, the sommelier or waiter will sniff the cork to see if the wine is un-tainted. In that case, it's pretentious to re-sniff the cork yourself. If the staff does not sniff the cork, you could do so in order to give you a hint about the wine's freshness before tasting it to confirm.

And I wonder how many times our tipster has received counterfeit wine in a restaurant worthy of his time and review.

5. Save the slurping and gargling for Napa Valley tasting rooms and morning mouthwash. Try not to turn the stomachs of your guests with primitive rituals.

Funny that you'd make the sommelier wait for minutes, but draw the line at employing tasting room methods.

6. If you're ordering in advance for an important business dinner, don't forget to make certain the wines you select are in stock and available in sufficient quantities.

7. Make sure the wine you order gets to the table before the food. Wine without food is fine; food without wine is a disaster.

Ask a teetotaler or driver whether the statement: "food without wine is a disaster" is a solid opinion, or just BS. I think you already know.

8. Don't be intimidated by huge, clunky, leather (okay, naugahyde) wine lists. They're your friends. If they've been around awhile, and most have, they almost always have beautifully aged bargains hidden away.

Of course, the quality of the paper and binder have absolutely NO bearing on the wine, and neither does the picture on the wine label.

10. Decide if you love vintages or producers. Sommeliers love producers. They're met them. They dined with them. They consider them infallable, even in terrible years. I love good years, full of surprises from unknown winemakers. You get wines that taste of a moment in time, not of a high-tech cellar.

"They're met them"? Another slip in the proof reading department. The rest is a fat generalization.

11. When tasting, don't allow the server to pour so little that it barely wets your mustache. This advice applies to men and women alike. When drinking, beware of servers who fill your glass to the brim, then announce that your bottle is empty and you need another one. That's not service; that's hard-sell.

A restaurant that slips up on the "don't overfill each glass" rule is unlikely to a) warrant a GQ review or b) have wines that are worth tasting.

12. If you've been brought the wrong vintage and you accept it after a taste, you have to pay, even if you believe the restaurant has done you wrong. If the server accidentally brings a more expensive wine than the one you ordered, you should be charged the price of the bottle you requested. Warning: Not everybody agrees.

Er, reading the label before tasting might help you avoid the faux pas of accepting the wrong vintage.

13. If you call and get permission to bring your own wine to a restaurant, always ask the amount of the corkage fee. In a few Manhattan restaurants, it has soared past $100.

14. I don't care if the restaurant is pouring Chateau Latour into Minnie Mouse mugs, don't walk into a restaurant carrying your own wine glasses. It's more pretentious than wearing a monocle and spats.

I wonder why it's necessary to state this. Who on earth takes their own wine glasses to a restaurant?

15. Don't be a big shot. Nobody can get everything right when it comes to detecting problems in wine. Can you identify sulphur, volative acidity, brettanomyces, and/or T.C.A.? That's why sommeliers exist. If you hate the wine you've ordered and can't articulate why, don't be afraid to ask for help.

But whatever you do, don't phone Alan Richman :)