One of my favorite radio programs is the News Quiz, where a panel of comics are quizzed about the week's news. The show finishes with a clip from a newspaper of the previous week. Here are some highlights:
"A Nigerian arrested in Rosenthal, The Netherlands was carrying 186 false papers, including 29 Nigerian passports, 30 British passports, 74 Dutch work permits, and 18 Birth Certificates. Police say they haven't yet identified him."
"A primary school's new $100,000 toilet block was opened yesterday with a blessing. The Bishop of Lancaster, the Right Reverend Stephen Pedley recited a special prayer, and splashed water onto the walls."
"Britain's nude boules team have won a sponsorship deal from Persil to pay for kit for the sport's naturist world cup. The 10 competing couples are allowed to wear socks and trainers to protect their feet from the gravel, and they'll used the sponsored towels to wipe their boules."
"A news report reaches us from America, where a patient was diagnosed as clinically depressed and was scheduled for controversial shock therapy, until it was discovered that he was not in fact depressed, he was merely Scottish."
A selection of funny newspaper cuttings sent in by listeners:
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
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