REVIEW - An American perspective on the beautiful game

Having previously dissed the USA's bastardization of football terminology, I guess it's only fair to let my great friend Bill, living in Houston and pictured here with his beautiful daughters Kendall and Paige, to have his say in this guest post.

To show what a friend I am, I've answered his questions in red.

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Every American sportwriter worth his salt has written about the American perspective on soccer, especially the World Cup. I’m not a sportswriter, but I think my perspective as a big sports fan is probably more mainstream. Like a lot of American sports fans, there are things about soccer I like, things I don’t like, and things I don’t understand.

My initial impression is that soccer is hockey on grass. That’s not relevant to much, but it seems that way. At least the basic rules seem the same. Here’s what I love about soccer:

1. No time outs. Baseball is my favorite sport (and always has been). But isn’t it set up nicely for a brace of commercials after each half inning? I know they weren’t thinking of that 100 years ago, but now…

2. The low scoring doesn’t bother me. It adds drama.

3. They play in the rain.

4. It’s fascinating that all these people from all these countries play the same game. Sort of like the Olympics, without skiing, skiing with guns, figure skating, luge, etc.

5. The goalkeeper wears a different color jersey.

6. Cool shoes.

7. The rules seem somewhat straightforward – unlike Cricket, which, dispite years of study, I still don’t understand.

8. The fact that the ref adds extra time at the end of each half. Just a few minutes – not 3:04.22.

9. The English announcers (almost as much as the Spanish ones). Thank god ESPN doesn’t use American announcers.

Here’s what I really don’t like:

1. The flopping and screams of agony from the players, who immediately get up and keep playing.

2. The offsides rule. I guess I understand the rule, but not the purpose. What would happen if there were no offsides?

3. These yellow and red cards, and the way the ref ceremoniously presents them. Seems completely arbitrary.

4. U2 again manages to show up in commercials.

5. The greasy hair.

6. Players who are known by only one name.

7. Most games look pretty much the same to me, except for the goals.

8. Stop calling the field the “pitch”.

Here’s what I don’t understand:

1. Why do some players (?) wear “FIFA” vests on the sideline?

It designates non-players working on or around the field; medics, coaching staff, players on the bench, etc.

2. Why don’t teams use the “tactical offsides” (or whatever it’s called) more on defense?

They do. If you watch the back line of defenders, they'll move forward en masse when an attack forms, to place attacker(s) in off-side positions. This has to be done very carefully (which is why you don't see it against every attack), as it's easy to get it wrong and leave an attacker onside and unmarked.

3. Why do players exchange jerseys after the game? If I played in a World Cup, I’d want my game jersey hanging on my wall.

Each player gets dozens of identical shirts for the tournament, so they have plenty of personal shirts as mementos, plus they get opponent's shirts too.

4. The points system.

A points system is important in a sport where you can get drawn games. It used to be 1 point for a draw, 2 points for a win, but some years ago football leagues around the world switched to 3 points for a win, in order to up the ante for a win.

Wow, looks like I like more than I dislike or don’t understand. Now if they would just quit showing replays of that Landon Donovan goal – I stopped counting how many times I’ve seen it. It’s even in the commercials now. I’m going to record the USA game today so I don’t have to see it again.