RANT - Vanish, by Tom Pawlick

What did I do to deserve two (count 'em) consecutive books written by faith-based authors? It's not that I'm anti-faith at all, but it's like Christian Rock bands. They're not bad just because they're Christian, but they come from a smaller gene pool, so naturally the best Christian music is unlikely to be the best music one could possibly find.

So far, I'm batting 0 for 3 (as American baseball pundits would put it), meaning I've read 3 and they all sucked.

Apparently, the saying "the Devil makes all the good music" is true for books too.

This one was lamer than a lame dog trying to walk on glass in stiletto heels.

The book started OK if somewhat formulaic, with various people waking up to find that everyone in Chicago had vanished. As they ventured out and met a few other survivors of what they thought was a mass abduction by aliens, the story got repetitive, and early enough in the book to make me want to jump to the end and get it over with.

I didn't, and now I wish I had. I won't give away the horrible, 16-story high monster with huge teeth and bad breath that was responsible for the disappearance ... nah, it wasn't that, just in case you ignore my advice and actually read this tosh.

Boo!

RANT - By Reason of Insanity, by Randy Singer

Whoever described this author as "just as good as John Grisham", must've been on crack. While this is mostly a courtroom story, that's about the only thing Singer has in common with Grisham.

Complex just for the sake of it, and without adding anything to the story, with a ton of "action" crammed into the last chapter in order to try and make sense of the mess that went before.

Twists of Biblical proportions, literally. And I know some people use that analogy incorrectly, as in "It blew my mind, literally", but I meant what I said. I doubt very much whether real lawyers use examples from the Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar when searching for precedents, but that was segued in there with a few other stretches of the legal imagination.

It was only after I read it that I learned Mr Singer is a "faith-based" writer, which must mean his readers need faith to believe his far-fetched story lines.

REVIEW - The Trotsky

Another of a slew of "Festival" movies just released, this one is the official selection of the 2010 Tribeca Film Festival.

It's like a more intelligent but less funny Napoleon Dynamite. 

Leon Bronstein claims and acts like he's the reincarnation of Leon Trotsky. As is his destiny, he sets about trying to unionize the workers at his father's factory, then after enrolling at West Montreal high school and finding out how plain mean the head teacher and principal are, he campaigns for a student union to be set up.

And it's not one of those student unions that primarily plan events where alcohol is freely available - this one exists to bring down the "fascist' school board and give the students a say in their schooling.

See, I said it was less funny than Napoleon Dynamite, but it's a deep cut above the bilge that is The Joneses, Bounty Hunter, et bloody al.

RAVE - Sex & Drugs & Rock 'n Roll

Before you go rushing off to the authorities to report my confession, while I do enjoy the occasional romantic dinner, sometimes take aspirin for a headache, and really understand what New Kids on the Block mean when they sing Grown Man, here I'm applauding the movie based on Ian Dury's rise to fame as the front man for The Blockheads.

Andy Serkis delivers an outstanding performance, and while any number of actors could have been wired up to play Gollum or King Kong, ONLY Serkis could do Ian Dury. The likeness is uncanny, the voice is perfect, the tragic moves of a polio-stricken punk, I even had to double-check that it was Serkis singing and not miming to the original songs.

Maybe these are the musings of a huge fan, but the film is now available on demand, so trim your sideburns into points, apply some dark makeup around your eyes, fill your mouth full of gravel and sing along.

RAVE - The Wedding Present at The Independent

The Wedding Present were a huge favorite of John Peel's (RIP), and are just behind The Smiths and The Fall in terms of most votes ever in Peelie's Festive Fifty.

I worried about dragging Pavey, Felicia and David to last night's show, mainly because even a massive Wedding Present fan like me will admit that their music is heavy on the repetitive driving guitars and the complex stories which were unlikely to be recognizable over those guitars.

To be fair, it's hard to understand David Gedge's Yorkshire accent even when there's relative silence.

"What did he say?" David asked on a number of occasions. We definitely heard him proclaim Manchester as the "home of the greatest football team in the world - Manchester United" when introducing Granadaland.

Thanks to telling Jonny, The Independent's owner, that he was a wonderful human being, we were in the VIP Gallery, and I don't think my glass of Stoli and Tonic would have reached the stage to describe my view of that filthy lie!

Despite Gedge's questionable taste in football, the show was a blast.

Support from Mister Loveless was better than expected, even to the point of separating David from 5 well-earned American dollars for their CD on sale at the show.

Got to bed at 2am, back up at 6.45am hoping to see Liverpool thump Burnley, but it wasn't televised here. Never mind, I have the rest of today to catch up on sleep, and I think I'll zzzzzzz

REVIEW - Calm down ladies, he's already in a relationship

29-year old Chris Shaw, from somewhere dull near Kansas, which is itself dull, has just won TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS (that's 170 million, in real, English money) in the lottery.

Chris wants to pay some bills, take his 3 kids, his girlfriend and her 2 kids, to Disneyland. And he wants to get his teeth fixed.

He doesn't mention keeping his eye out for some hotter action in the "lonely and under-appreciated American wife" department, but it might be worth stalking him. 

At least hook up with him on Facebook girls, AFTER he buys a computer of course.

Happy hunting.

RAVE #2 - Lafitte

I know I've reviewed, and raved about Lafitte before - just 2 weeks ago in fact. I also know that I talked in detail about the food, something I don't always do, because in many cases the food can be good but pretty similar to what you get at other restaurants.

Anyhow, after that pre-amble, we had another fabulous meal at Lafitte last night, this time with David and Felicia. Now, we could be eating turnips in a field with them and it would still make for a great evening out, so the food was a distinct luxury.

We decided to have every dish on the menu, in order to sample the exquisite and inventive fare:

APPETIZERS

• Delta Asparagus Wrapped in Custom Guanciale.
• Beef Spam and Poached Duck Egg - as a poached egg fan, I can honestly say this was the best egg I ever tasted. Chef Russell is a master of the sous vide, and uses it to slow poach an egg to the consistency of cream. The beef tongue spam looked and tasted like a mini burger built for royalty. Perfect.
• SlipJack Crudo. similar to an ahi tuna, but possibly better textured; the fennel and potato accompaniment worked really well.
• Pickled Fennel and Fingerling Salad. I love fennel, and loved this dish.

MID

• Crispy Lamb Sweetbreads, Sweet Onion Marmalad. Delicious.
• Saute Quail and Braised Teparay Bean. I'd have preferred the Quail as crispy as the Sweetbreads, but that's just me.

ENTREE

• Dry Age New York, Pomme Frite and Béarnaise Sauce. What looks like a same-old same-old dish, in Chef Russell's hands turned into a standout marvel.
• 18 Hour Braised Lamb Shoulder, Saute of Field Chard. Not sure where else you'd be able to enjoy this. Another treat from Lafitte.
• Northern Halibut, Braised Fennel and Citrus Anise Sauce.
• Grilled Calf's Liver, Spring Onions and Green Garlic Cream. A rarely-seen dish on American tables, and an acquired taste for The Yanqui, but I loved it.
• Zitoni Taglaiati with Wild Radish Flowers, Green Garlic and Spicy Watercress.

DESSERT

• Fuji Apple Gallette
• Napoleon of Chocolate
• "New York" Style Chevre Cheese Cake. We were FULL by this time, so elected to have just this one dessert, and we picked a good'un.

2 bottles of Ridge Pagani Zinfandel capped off a perfect meal in perfect company, at what may be the perfect restaurant.

REVIEW - The Soft Pack at Bottom Of The Hill

Having heard "Answer to Yourself" on the radio and not known which band it was, we saw them on Letterman, and then eagerly got tickets to their show.

While I think even Country Bill (yes, that Bill) will admit it's a great song, the trouble is that's their only great song.

Last night's show at the wonderfully handy Bottom Of The Hill, which is just four blocks away at the bottom of our hill, was unfortunately dull. While Matt Lamkin's vocals are crystal clear (or at least they were once the sound guy woke up and did some much needed twiddling), there's not much range there. And have you ever heard a drummer perform as well standing up, as sitting down? No, neither have I.

If they're to be anything but a one hit wonder, they'd better write some new material, with notes that go up and down a bit.

Support from London's (well, Dalston's) Male Bonding was more lively, although they're unlikely to qualify as Indie's most whistle-able band.

REVIEW - 24 hours with my new iPad SLEEVE

Such are the vagaries of supply and demand, or in Apple's case, Demand outstripping Supply, that I received my iPad sleeve today and still have to wait another week or so (allegedly) before my 3G iPad arrives.

But still, in the spirit of all those excitable and excited Mac fanboys and girls, I thought I'd spill the beans on the iPad cover (which, to be honest, is what the protective cover is intended for).

First impressions:

It's light and rubbery. $39 for something you'd get free with any other electrical item costing north of $800. Shabby. And it's not as elegant as the felt-like cover Mrs Page got for me with my Kindle.

It's got a big Apple logo on the front, advertising that you're carrying around $800 of eminently pilferable electronics. Not good. I'm one of those people who, the first day I get a new laptop, lift off the annoying Intel Inside, and Windows stickers. I do the same with new cars: why would I want to drive around advertising the dealer who sold me the car?

The ID holder / thing that holds the cover back on itself for angled viewing, isn't big enough to hold a business card. I guess I'll go to the Maybach store and get a platinum ID card made to measure.

It doesn't do anything apart from cover the iPad. Forget what the Apple site says about the sleeve: "It folds in just the right places to act as a stand that holds the iPad at an ideal angle for watching videos and slide-shows or for typing on the onscreen keyboard". The sleeve does little more than fold in the same way a book does. What an opportunity this is for some enterprising Chinese manufacturer to produce a sleeve with a little adjustable stand attached to the back (like every single photo frame has). Even better if it could have a slim power dock set into the back of the sleeve. This would make the iPad more useable, and save everyone from buying a freaking $29 dock! And if the cover had a slim keyboard option, those Chinese manufacturers would be shoveling the money into their wheelbarrows. Oh, they already are?

I can't wait for the real thing to arrive so that I can test the sleeve fully loaded.

RANT - Capannina

Outside of North Beach, San Francisco's Italian restaurants are under-represented. Or at least that's my impression, because I was hard-pressed to think of a good Italian restaurant elsewhere in the City.

Therefore, after Capannina was highly-recommended by Joe Public on Check Please, Bay Area, we booked a table immediately.

All I can say is that Joe Public doesn't get around much.

It's a small place, and Saturday night it was heaving in there. I don't know if it's normally that noisy, but last night it really got on my nerves.

What I want noise-wise in a restaurant is something compatible with the noise my group is making. That means: if it's just Mrs Page and me, I want the noise level to be compatible with us, enabling us to talk without shouting. If I'm with a group of 6 or 8, I'm happy for the ambient noise to be boisterous, as no doubt my group will be.

With Capannina it was all topsy turvy, with waiters barking in thick Italian accents, and adjacent tables deciding to bellow their opinions so that everyone could here, whether they wanted to or not.

Of course, all of that would have been acceptable if the food was above par, but it wasn't. The signore's choice of Crab Cakes ("much smaller than they looked on the TV program") and Squid Ink Risotto with Mussels, Clams, Crab etc ("dried out and under-flavored") was a little more disappointing than my Papardelle with Wild Boar Ragu (very good) and Veal Scaloppine with Lemon-Caper Sauce, Spinach & Parmesan Risotto (also lacking in the flavor department).

Funnily enough, we did go to North Beach afterward, looking for after-dinner coffee in more salubrious surroundings. But not-so-little Italy let us down by being particularly stingy on the parking opportunities.

"Sapristi Mon Bole" as my schoolfriend Chris James was wont to say. Neither of us knew what it meant, but it summed up last night perfectly.

RANT - TV Coverage of The Masters

Do the networks have to pay extra for showing golfers hitting actual shots?

I'm sick of suits talking about golf when there's real live golf being played!

I'm sick of Tiger "The Adulterer" Woods featuring in every preview, review and more than his fair share of coverage.

I'm sick of the plaudits he's getting, despite the fact that he's a serial abuser of his marriage vows, and consequently a poor excuse for a father.

I'm sick of the re-upping of his sponsorships, starting with the hypocrites at Nike. 

Compared to the TV coverage, the live webcast is way better, with hi-def video, at least 4 views selectable, and even picture-in-picture. And NO advertising!

That way, I don't have to have Tiger Woods rammed down my throat. (Notice how I mostly resisted a double entendre there).

Marvelous.

RAVE - Top 100 Restaurants in the Bay Area

Michael Bauer's restaurant reviewing is the best job in the best city in the world for this kind of job. I'm not saying San Francisco has the best restaurants in the world, but doing this in New York, London or Paris would be impossible. At least in San Francisco there's a somewhat manageable number of restaurants, and one can have a decent stab at making a Top 100.

All restaurants are in San Francisco, unless otherwise stated.

First, a list of places not in the Top 100 but ought to be:

5&5 Steak Lounge
L'Ardoise
Lafitte
Salt House
Sociale

And now, that Top 100 list, with links to my own humble postings where available:

A16 link to RAVE posting
Acquarello
Ad Hoc (Yountville)
Adesso (Oakland)
Amber India (Mountain View)
Amber India
Amber India (San Jose)
Ame
Aziza
Baker & Banker  RAVE
Bar Bambino  RAVE
Bar Jules
Bay Wolf (Oakland)
Beretta   REVIEW
Betelnut
Bistro Don Giovanni (Napa)  RAVE
Bix  RAVE
Bocadillos
Bottega Napa Valley (Yountville)
Bouchon (Yountville)  RAVE
Boulevard  RANT
Cafe La Haye (Sonoma)
Camino (Oakland)
Canteen
Chapeau
Chez Panisse (Berkeley)
Chez Papa Resto  RAVE
Chow (Danville)
Chow (Lafayette)
Chow
Coco500
Coi  RAVE
Corso Trattorio (Berkeley)
Cyrus (Healdsburg)  RAVE
Delfina  RAVE
Dopo (Oakland)
Dosa on Valencia  REVIEW
Dosa on Fillmore  REVIEW
Etoile (Yountville)
Farmhouse Inn and Restaurant (Forestville)  RAVE
Firefly
Flora (Oakland)
Flour + Water  REVIEW
Foreign Cinema  RAVE
Frances
Frascati
French Laundry (Yountville)
Gary Danko  RANT
Gialani
Greens  RANT
Hog Island Oyster Co.
House of Prime Rib
Incanto  RAVE
Jardiniere  RAVE
Kaygetsu (Menlo Park)
Koi Palace (Daly City)
La Folie  REVIEW
Limon   RANT
Madrona Manor (Healdsburg)
Manresa (Los Gatos)
Masa's
Michael Mina  REVIEW
Murray Circle (Sausalito)
Neela's (Napa)
Nombe
Nopa
Nopalito
O Chame (Berkeley)
One Market RAVE
Osteria Stellina (Point Reyes Station)
Park Chow
Perbacco  REVIEW
Pesce
Picco (Larkspur)
Piperade
Pizzaiola (Oakland)
Pizzeria Picco (Larkspur)
Poggio (Sausalito)
Press (St. Helena)
Quince  RAVE
Range
Redd (Yountville)
Restaurant At Middlewood (St. Helena)
Rivoli (Berkeley)
RN74  REVIEW
Rosso Pizzeria and Wine Bar (Santa Rosa)
Sante (Boyes Hot Springs)
Scopa (Healdsburg)
Slanted Door   RAVE
Solbar (Calistoga)
SPQR   RAVE
Spruce   RAVE
Sushi Ran (Sausalito)
Swan Oyster Depot
Terra (St. Helena)
The Dining Room At The Ritz-Carlton
Tipsy Pig
Town Hall  RANT
Va De Vi (Walnut Creek)
Vik's Chaat Corner (Berkeley)
Wexler's
Willi's Wine Bar (Santa Rosa)
Wood Tavern (Oakland)
Yank Sing  RAVE
Yoshi's
Zarzuela
Zuni Cafe   REVIEW

RAVE - Public House

Despite the name, it's no English Pub.

Nevertheless, Public House is likely to be more popular and more relevant to its location right outside the SF Giants' stadium than its Acme Chop House predecessor.

Classier than Toronado; more accessible (on non game days) than Monks Kettle, but perhaps lacking the atmosphere of either of those places.

A great beer list would be even greater with Newcastle Brown, Theakstons or other REAL English beers, but that's just my palate speaking.

The food was pretty darned good, with the pulled pork sliders excelling.

The eagle-eyed among you will notice the picture is of an empty Acme, with the PH signs still to go up. This place is so new, I could find no pictures online.

Take your camera and enjoy the pub grub.

RAVE - Clash of The Titans

This could have gone either way, what with a cast of mostly "where have I seen them before?" types, plus Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes camping it up like a pair of aging bearded drag queens - and that contradiction kind of sums up the movie.

On the one hand it was sillier than an ancient Greek Monty Python sketch. On the other, it was an exciting adventure with fabulous special effects.

My toes curled every time I saw the trailer with Zeus / Neeson proclaiming "release the Kraken", but thankfully he got that melodramatic command out of the way and the Krah-ken (as Hades / Fiennes gaily pronounced it) was duly released.

Mayhem naturally ensued, in a wonderfully violent swirling of teeth and tentacles. Reviewers who described the monsters as "static" must be thinking of the 1970s original, because each badass encounter, with giant scorpions, bat-like demons, snake-infested Medusa and the [titter] Krah-ken was genuinely gripping. The intervening dialog was a bit dull, but hell (er, Hades), what do you expect?

Having grown up on the originals (the English translations, not the original originals) of Aesop's Fables, The Iliad and The Aenid (or was that a prog rock band from the 80s?) I kind of new the basic stories, and this was mish-mash of some choice cuts.

All in all, a playful romp through a sea of utter hogwash. Immense fun. Honest.

RAVE - Lafitte

Do all great restaurants take this much blood, sweat and tears to get off the ground?

Having been a neighbor of Russel Jackson's for a couple years, we saw the planning, the years, the heavy lifting that went into this fabulous new place, and it reminded us how lucky we are to be on the consuming end of this ride from Dissident Chef, through Subculture Dining to this perfect location on the Embarcadero.

Two rooms - one promenade French bistro, the other a natural wood beamed dining room with a proper open kitchen (not something where you can just see the culinary artistes' heads).

A friendly, not-at-all-haughty-or-pretentious staff, a healthy but not overpoweringly noisy vibe, and that means nothing gets in the way of the food.

Russel is one of the most creative chefs you could wish for. There's no Ahi Tuna, Niman Ranch Rib-eye or Sonoma chicken here. That might've sounded appetizing 10 years ago, but every man and his dog is serving that fare in San Francisco now.

At Lafitte's third opening night yesterday we experienced:

Guanciale with Emergo Bean Puree on Crostini. Guanciale is an unsmoked Italian bacon prepared with pig's cheeks. I could've eaten a lot more than this amuse-sized tasting.

Root Vegetable soup with Wheat Berry salad. With the berries soaked in the broth, this was a standout dish. What amazed me was that without any sensationally weird ingredients, it tasted like no other soup I could remember.

Fried Artichoke with Boqerones Bagna Cauda. Everyone knows how hard it is to render artichoke edible. Frying it was a new one on me, and it worked. The anchovy paste (Bagna Caude) took some getting used to, but it definitely was original.

Cod and Pork Sausage Stew with Carrot Viche and Green Garlic Broth. The sausage exploded with taste.

Roasted Alaskan Halibut with Dandelion Rabe and Mustard Flower Sauce. I didn't taste this, but Pavey said it was another exciting mix of flavors.

Fuji Apple and Almond Cake with Creme Fraiche Ice Cream. At another table in another restaurant this could've tasted ordinary, but at Lafitte it was delicate and different. A great dessert to cap off a great dinner.

I really hope Lafitte proves to be the success Russel deserves.